You have to love hate.
I had to share a find I just made, and an oldie but a goodie from the annals of the internet.
here's a letter that had been floating around for years,
and the explanation as to why he wrote it by the author, Enjoy
Because you suck. And we hate you.
An open letter to the gun community from HK’s marketing department:
In a world of compromises, some people put the bullets in the magazine backwards…But
it doesn’t matter, because our gun is on the cover of the Rainbow Six
video games. Look how cool that SEAL coming out of the water looks… If
you buy a $2,000 SOCOM, you will be that cool of an operator too. And
chicks will dig you.
At HK,
we stuck a piston on an AR15, just like a bunch of other companies
have done, dating back to about 1969. However ours is better, because
we refuse to sell it to civilians. Because you suck,
and we hate you.
Our XM8
is the greatest rifle ever developed. It may melt, and it doesn’t fit
any accessories known to man, but that is your fault. If you were a
real operator, you would love it. Once again, look at Rainbow Six, that
G36 sure is cool isn’t it? Yeah, you know you want one.And
by the way, check out our new HK45. We decided that humans don’t need
to release the magazine with their thumbs. If you were a really manly
Teutonic operator, you would be able to reach the controls. Plus we’ve
fired 100,000,000 rounds through one with zero malfunctions, and that
was while it was buried in a lake of molten lava, on the moon. If you
don’t believe us, it is because you aren’t a real operator.
By
the way, our cheap, mass-produced, stamped sheet metal guns like the
G3 and MP5 are the bestest things ever, and totally worth asinine
scalpers prices, but note that cheap, mass-produced, stamped sheet
metal guns from other countries are commie garbage. Not that it
matters, because you’re civilians, so we won’t sell them to you anyway.
Because you suck, and we hate you, but we know you’ll be back. We can beat you down like a trailer park wife, but you’ll come back, you always do.
Buy our stuff.
Sincerely,
HK Marketing Department
HK. Because you suck. And we hate you.
I
don’t know if you can tell, but I’m not the biggest fan of H und K. I
posted that letter on THR a long time ago as a joke, but it sure did
manage to tick a lot of people off. Ironically, the tag line, HK. Because you suck. And we hate you, has been popping up in various places ever since.
Sure,
they’re decently reliable, decently accurate guns, but they’re
massively overpriced and overrated by legions of fan boys. One of the
most frustrating things about dealing with gun people on the interweb
is that folks tend to pick a brand, and then base some of their
self-esteem on that brand. Kind of like rabid sports fans who feel the
need to burn cars if their team wins, or loses, or they just felt like
burning stuff. Say something negative about that team to one of
those rabid fans, and you’re probably going to get beat up. Likewise,
if you say anything negative about the Teutonic superiority of HK,
people get mad at you.
Well, I love hate mail, so here goes.
For
each of their wunder guns, you can get something else that costs a lot
less, and works better, and has ergonomics designed by people that
actually shoot. HK came about when some Nazis fled to Spain and built
the Cetme. But Cetme doesn’t sound very tough, does it? So they went
back to Germany and became H and K, and if you call it H and K, fan
boys will get mad, and insist that it is HK, because manly Teutonic
operators and Navy SEALs don’t have time to say the word And. So HK
rose to prominence by building the G3, which is what the Germans call
the Cetme.
Now
the G3 is a decent rifle. It is a cheap, stamped sheet metal, battle
rifle. It has terrible ergonomics, with a hard to use safety, (and
this is coming from a guy with gorilla hands), and difficult to use
charging handle. It is reliable, because of the roller locking bolt
that destroys your brass, and recoils worse than other competing .308
rifles. The FAL smokes the G3, and the only reason the G3 exists is
because the Germans were too proud to pay royalties to those uppity
Belgians.
The
G3 can be really accurate, if you weld a bunch of metal to the sides
of it, stick on a nice barrel, and jack the price up $10,000. And no,
that’s not a typo. The PSG1 is absurdly priced, and the cheaper
version, the MSG90 is proof that if make anything absurdly heavy
enough, it can be accurate.
There
is a collapsible stock available, which is awesome, if you like
getting hit in the face with a piece of rebar, which is what their $400
stock feels like when you shoot it. Germans must be tougher than we
are or something.
Other
stamped, sheet metal guns exist, but HK fan boys mock those as commie
garbage. See, if you build a cheap gun, but it is from Germany, then
it is superior, but if you build a stamped gun in the eastern block (a
hundred miles from Germany) then it is commie garbage.
But
what brought HK to international fame and the cover of Dick Marcinko
books (for example, Rogue Force Delta Green Team 7 Ninja Force Alpha
II: The beginning) was the G3s little brother, the MP5. Take a G3,
shrink it, and chamber it in 9mm. At the time, CQB doctrine was to use
9mm subguns. Now the MP5 is a neat little gun. I have two. They
work well, and if compared to the other subguns of the day, like the Uzi
or the Mac, then the MP5 was a lot easier to use, easier to hit with,
and was decently reliable.
The
MP5 became famous when the SAS used them to kick the living hell out
of some bad guys at the Iranian embassy. This was marketing gold, and
HK rode the wave. Pretty soon everybody wanted an MP5. It was what
all the cool kids were using. Soon every video game and action movie
was filled with HK stuff. HK may have overrated guns, but they’ve got
the best marketing department in the gun business, and they milked that
fee cow until it was dry.
But
the MP5 isn’t as great as people make them out to be. They still
malfunction. (if you’re favorite gun hasn’t malfed, you haven’t shot
it enough). The mags are hard to insert on a closed bolt. Safety
still sucks. Most versions don’t have a bolt hold open. Honestly, if I
had to get into a gunfight with a subgun, then I would rather have my
PPsH.
HK
long guns were mostly unobtainable to US civilians, primarily because
HK hates the civilian market. If you don’t believe me, go talk to
them at SHOT show, and watch them sneer at regular people. They can’t
help themselves. But like all unobtainable things, like Ferraris, and
super models, regular folks start to imagine these unobtainable things
as perfection, when really they’re just an expensive car that spends
most of its time in the shop, or a chick with mental problems and
Bulimia. That’s what happened with HK. Their products took on this
aura of coolness amongst the fans, that just isn’t real.
For
example, go to any thread on the internet where somebody brings up
“What is the Best Rifle EVAR!” and there is a poll. On the poll will
be some HK long guns that 99.85% of the gun owning public has never
seen, let alone shot, but those guns will have the most votes, because
the HK marketing department told you how awesome they are.
Read
up about the XM8 on most gun boards. According to the interweb, the
XM8 is the finest combat implement of all time. In actuality it is a
plastic AR18, that tends to melt, break, and is universally loathed by
the Army staff that had to test it. It takes bizarre attachments, so
no US accessories will work. They took the G36, which is basically a
blah rifle, used by a handful of countries that don’t ever actually
shoot people, and uglied it up so that it looks like the demented
lovechild of Bloaty the Pizza Hog and a Super-Soaker.
Or
the HK416. According to the internet, the HK416 is the best gun EVER!
It is called THE AWESOME. Lightning bolts of coolness fly from the
gun and smite your enemies with Teutonic fury! However you can’t have
one, because you’re a civilian, ergo, you suck. And HK hates you.
The
416 is basically an AR with a gas piston, which has been done by like
ten companies now, but somehow the HK is better, because it was on
Future Weapons, and HK won’t sell it to civilians. In fact, a couple
of 416s slipped out into civilian hands, and HK freaked out about it.
There is no legal reason that 416 uppers can’t be sold, but HK despises
regular people, and the idea of you having their long guns offends
them.
You
can get civilian HK long guns, once in a while, when HK feels like it,
but they’re usually hyper-neutered and over priced. Hell, the last
ones were actually grey, because you know, black is too dangerous, or
something.
HK’s
new subgun is the UMP. They tend to break. One of our local PDs
traded all of theirs in after they broke all the stocks. Cool idea,
because everybody loves .45, but bad execution.
HK’s
flagship pistols, the USP line, are decent polymer handguns. They
are extremely reliable, that is the plus side. On the down side, their
triggers universally suck, but they don’t have to. HK likes to use a
square peg in a round hole, (literally) that makes the trigger pull a
lot heavier and grittier than it needs to be. Why? Beats the heck out
of me. The USP series should be reliable, they’re enormous.
The
most annoying thing about the HK pistols is how they cost almost twice
as much as every other polymer handgun on the market. Somehow being
made in Germany means the USP series is worth $800-$1000, when all of
the polymer guns made within a thousand miles are $400-$600. Only most
of those guns tend to have better triggers, are just as reliable, and
are usually more accurate.
Then
there is the Mk23. Which is huge, accurate, reliable, (which it damn
well better be, since it is the size and weight of a Mini-14) costs as
much as a used car, huge, and is universally despised by the SF that
it is issued to. Talk to anyone that is in an SF unit. The Mk23s
they’ve been issued sit unused in arms room. Did I mention that it is
HUGE? But that’s okay, because the HK fan boys will explain that it is
an OFFENSIVE handgun. (scratches head) whatever the hell that is
supposed to mean.
They are reliable, but so is a $125 Makarov. Only the Mak has a better trigger.
I
have two guys that I work with that have been to the HK armorer’s
school. If you think I’m biased, you should talk to them. They
especially love working with the Germans. One fellow was yelled at
because he had two magazines clamped together on his MP5, because
“NEIN! That is not the H und K way!” Even though he had bought the
mag clamp from HK. When you ask why the original MP5 doesn’t have a
last shot bolt hold open, they’ll yell at you and say, “NEIN! Why would
you want your enemy to know your gun is empty!” Hell, Hans, I just
want to know when my gun is empty!
One
friend of mine took his personal MP5, and cut an extra notch into the
collapsible stock, so it would be shorter for when he was wearing his
armor, and also it removed the nasty wobble that all HK collapsible
stocks have. It is an easy fix, and a no-brainer that the HK should
have been doing for years. Fritz at the armorer’s school damn near had
an aneurysm when he saw this blasphemy against his ineffectual German
gods.
Look,
gun owning public, just because you saw it on Future Weapons, or read
about it on the internet, doesn’t make it true. For the love of John
Moses Browning, before you formulate super strong opinions about a
weapon, you should have at least shot the damn thing first.
Do I have anything positive to say about HK? Yes, the sneer of disdain they give you at SHOT is priceless and entertaining.
The
author has written a few books I highly recommend for a great winter read, I
unfortunately read them in one night each, if I start anything good, I devour
it and never save for later. Bad habit I guess.
